Maybe one day

Only recently, we lost a loved one.

Just like any other family would feel, the following days have become devastating to us all. While death is inevitable and we surely know that, this is a scenario in our lives that we wouldn’t expect to happen in the next 40-50years. It just didn’t cross our minds. We don’t think any of it. We don’t think of him being in this situation and we don’t think of our family mourning for his loss, our uncle, our mom’s brother, our cousins’ father, and our grandparents’ dear son.

As days have passed, it’s strange to see how the world continues to revolve for others outside our family and circle of friends. It’s numbing to witness everybody else’s happiness, other family reunions, get togethers and getaways. In another side of my mind, I want to be happy for them. I’m glad they’re happy. But I just couldn’t. I don’t have the energy to think or even see them from this angle, from the situation where we are coming from.

It is just all dark and sad. It is just all heartbreak over and over again, every time we wake up and before we even close our eyes to sleep. Every memory of him and every time we think of him, it’s just all broken.

If there’s something that is worse than losing a family, that is the fact that they left people behind who mainly depend on them. I couldn’t bear to see how hard it is for our uncle’s immediate family to process the entire situation they are in. The situation where they need to wake up knowing the father of the family won’t be waiting in the table for breakfast. The situation where they need to sleep knowing another day has ended without him. The situation where the eldest son needs to step up to take the responsibilities his father had left him. And the situation where the younger children would learn life and would grow up without a father.

How can someone even restart life in this situation?

I cannot begin to fathom how long it will take to finally move on. It’s all blurry and I cannot personally see the end of this agony.

Maybe there’s no end, really. Maybe we are still grieving. Maybe this is grief. Maybe one day we will wake up and feel that everything is better. I hope for the day that we won’t wait for him to send a message in our group chat because we already know he won’t. Maybe one day we won’t need him to intervene in our petty family fights because we already learned from him in the past.

Maybe one day, we will forget the pain and we will just feel peace knowing he is in a better place where there is no hurting and suffering. Maybe one day, when his kids grow up, their memories will not be all about him leaving but all the good things they had shared together. Maybe his parents, our grandparents, will soon forget that he left this world early and just think of his younger and happy years. Maybe, our aunt, his partner in life will also learn to let go. Maybe we will all learn to let go and accept that he is not here with us anymore.

Maybe one day, when we think of him smiling, it is not all heartbreak but peace and happy thoughts.

Maybe one day, but for now, we cry. We grieve.